There are things i can not do. There are things i do and lie. I don’t consider myself lying, I just hide things from her. Because she doesn’t know what i want. She wants me to be perfect since i was born. First, it was my deformed thumb that she makes fun at…she doesn’t realize how much pain and saddness i went through because of a little thumb joke. I hate feeling like i stand out. Like i don’t belong. Secondly, my skin started forming some bumps when i was 7 and she started searching everywhere for treatment, and when i say ‘everywhere’ i mean EVERYWHERE. I feel like she’s trying to make me perfect when clearly i’m no where near it. So one day, my mom took me to Burger King or McDonalds (i dont remember) and the next day, i fell ill with a stomach virus. She rushed me to the hospital and i was hospitalized for 2 days. They took my blood eight times a day because they said that it wasn’t “even” and my blood is “off.” WTF does that mean..? I gainned weight like crazy those two days. And lastly, my weight just kept gaining and gaining. She told me i was fat and that i need to stop eating. What the hell?
Years later, I believed she forgot about my flaws. She told me i can never get waxed or whatever, but i did anyways..a few days ago. She didn’t see it until today and started yelling at me. I don’t know why i completely zoned out for…but she freaking did something to me that made me look down at her. I mean..c’mon i’m seventeen and about to turn eighteen in about two weeks. What am i to you? Don’t you respect me by now? How can you just do that to me? I friggin’ hate her for a moment. I told her to get out of my room. I even said it politely and in a very mannered tone. She refused and just sat there on the floor and started yelling at Annie. WTF did annie do? Nothing. Sometimes i just look down on you mother. You have no right to do that to me.
Of course…emotionally me..i cried. I cried real bad. It took me back to the past and made me wonder if she ever loved me for me. I don’t believe her. She tries so damn hard to make me “perfect” or whatever but doesn’t even consider how i feel. She’s ashamed of me when i come to her work place. WTF is that shit? Well fuck it. I really don’t care.
I don’t have time for anything anymore. I feel like my life is based on a budget…and it is. Which pisses me off even more. I can’t live my life freely like i used to. I can’t spend time with friends because i have to babysit everyday. The only person i see is Tam. & it’s because he comes over everyday, if not i think i’ll die of boredom at home. I miss my old life. The days when i can go freely anywhere, walk the streets and hang out outside, movie nights with devon & jackie, em-kayy moments, and just not take responsibility of anything and live. No, i don’t have that anymore. I’m responsible for Annie, I have to save money for vacation, prom is coming up so preparations are even worst now, I feel stress out from doing college papers for tam, and everything in between. I can’t be superwomen. I can’t do everything at once, i can’t even pick up a phone for ten minutes, and lastly i can’t even have me-time anymore. Ugh. I hate how tam thinks i’m book-smart…i’m not. I’m fucking dumb. I think i am. ugh, i hate how he believes i’m smart. I’m honestly not. My grammar & spelling is horrible. I hate how he does something to me to make me do his paper. He makes me feel like i need to do it or else i’ll disappoint him. I hate disappointment. I can’t do everything and i’m no where near the definition of perfect. Why do you guys expect so much from me? I’m just human.
I can’t take this anymore.